Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.